Trauma! Drama! It's V.C. Andrews time!

First of all, let me thank The Complete V.C. Andrews website. It's keeping the confusion at bay.

When I posted about my library a few weeks ago, I sort of mentioned my V.C. Andrews books. I've read just about all of them, but I do not own very many. I scored some keyhole or stepback editions (the ones with the "hole" in the cover that opens to reveal a picture of the whole family) last week, and talking about them in the comments of my last Thrift Store Finds post made me think about doing an entire post on them. I was excited because the keyhole covers are first printings and therefore worth a little more. Like I'll ever sell them! The majority of the ones I had as a teen were keyholes--I really wish I'd kept them. Of what I have now, three of the five Dollangangers are keyholes. Of the five Casteels, two are keyholes and Web of Dreams is hardcover.

I remember the first time I was exposed to Flowers in the Attic. I was at a friend's house, and she told me about this book she was reading and how the main character was whipped.

"Right here, on page 372, she gets it," my friend told me. I was instantly hooked. I roared through the Dollanganger series and quickly moved onto the Casteels. And then came the Cutlers. And then I found My Sweet Audrina. I remember eagerly awaiting the newest series while I was in high school: Ruby. I loved it.

The Logan (Melody) series came next, and I remember not loving it. I didn't really like anything that came after the Landry series. A few years after I'd tapered off of reading VCA, I got a book for Christmas that was from a mini-series (Honey, from the Shooting Stars series). I was interested enough to track down the rest of the series, but not enough to suck me back into the world of incestuous relationships and melodrama. And especially after I found out that V.C. Andrews had died years before and someone else was writing the books under her name. Me and my puny brain had never heard of such a thing as "ghostwriting." I thought it was more fraud than trying to keep Ms. Andrews' words alive. I didn't buy that letter in the front of the book for anything.

Ahem. Moving on.

After I read the DeBeers (Willow) series, I had the formula figured out and I was disappointed. So when I read the Rain books, I zipped through it, pretty much laughing at the entire series. Even in some of the other mini-series I caught parts of my theory and after that I couldn't take them seriously. Here, let me write a V.C. Andrews book for you.

Book One: Attractive teenage female protagonist loses a parent, very traumatically. She then moves into the home of a very rich, long lost relative. Somewhere along the way, she has an incestuous relationship with a brother (voluntarily or not), who may possibly be known to our protagonist as her brother. Usually learns terrible, deeply-hidden secret about her family or parentage.

Book Two: Teenage protagonist is now an adult. She manages to break away from the brother, whom she knows by now IS her brother. She is also setting off on the path to "adulthood" but fails miserably. Meets a man, gets knocked up, marriage may or may not be included. Child is born, possibly under duress.

Book Three: Protagonist's child(ren) is growing up and making the same choices and/or mistakes that Protagonist made at that age. When Protagonist tries to intercede, Child tells her to bug off and Protagonist practically goes into hiding, and possibly dies at the end of the book.

Alternate Book Three: Told from Child's perspective. Child sees Mother as an idol, but Mother is losing her mind and taking everyone with. Child feels everything is her own fault. By the end, everything is back to "normal" again.

Book Four: Now told from Child's eyes. Child has to save Mother or clear Mother's name. After achieving that, Child (now adult) marries her "true love" and ends the evil cycle of the family's "tainted past."

Alternate Book Four: Back to attractive female protagonist, except now she's middle aged. She spends entire book thinking "what ifs" and how she could have been a better person. She watches as her child(ren) become parents themselves and louse it all up. Protagonist dies.

Book Five: The mother or grandmother of our protagonist tells her story. It's the complete opposite of what Protagonist grew up believing. Written to gain sympathy; usually gains contempt (from me).

There you have it, my V.C. Andrews plot. Let's name the protagonist and give her a setting.

I know not every VCA series fit my theory. For example, Heaven had the first three books told from her point of view, and Annie got the last one. The Cutler series follows the Casteels' formula, too. I don't remember the other series well enough to guarantee my theory either. Also...

...funny what does stick in your mind. I grew up believing that since I didn't have a twenty-two inch waist, I was a total lardass. Nor did I think hair was long until it reached the "swell of her bosom." Thank you, Heaven.

Thank you, Cathy, for making me stare at every pretty blue-eyed blond. (I sure got a funny look from one at Dairy Queen when I asked her if her name was "Cathy.") And last but not least, thank you for ruining the surname Doll/Dahl for me. My stepson Christopher thanks you too.